They wanted to die, but God said LIVE.

After a week of tribulations,
relatively minor on the biblical-proportions-scale,
but significant to me none the less,
I decided I wanted to quit.

I was comforted remembering that men of greater faith than myself had given up; yet, God had a different plan.

  • "Elijah came to a broom tree, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. 'Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.'  Then he lay down under the tree and fell asleep."  1 Kings 19
  • "Moses was troubled... 'If this is how you are going to treat me, put me to death right now - if I have found favor in your eyes - and do not let me face my own ruin.'"  Numbers 11
  • "I wish He would crush me...  I wish He would reach out His hand and kill me...  I prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine...  I despise my life... my days have no meaning."  Job 6, 7
  • "I curse the day I was born! ... Why was I ever born?  My entire life has been filled with trouble, sorrow, and shame."  Jeremiah 20
  • "Now, O LORD take away my life, for it is better for me to die than to live... (and again he said,) It would be better for me to die than to live... I am angry enough to die."  Jonah 4

... in each case the Lord showed up.  

Why should my story be any different?

Discouraged and tired of waiting, I stomped out to the car in pjs and muck-boots, to take a drive and think.  Where could I go?  I felt hounded by the Holy Spirit.  If He wasn't going to hurry-up and solve my problems or speak-up and give me some answers, then I wanted to be left alone. 

"Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your presence?"
Psalm 139
in the shower,
on the road,
in the woods,
in the dark-silent-midnight hours,...
"hemmed in behind and before".

How many times had I asked, "Lord, if You're going to hang around, would You speak up?"

I felt cornered by a silent God with no choice but to trust.  There was nothing I could do.  It seemed unfair to be at His mercy.
... and so I waited.

"How long, O LORD?  Will You forget me forever?  How long will You hide Your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? ... Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death." Psalm 13

My thoughts go to another man, ever faithful, ever praising, ever interceding; yet he wanted to die.  Slow and painful, years and years of waiting, bedridden, longing to be taken home; yet spared only to suffer.

And the theme of the book he chose to give: "REST".

I skimmed the familiar pages and my thoughts returned to Elijah.

He slept. -- He woke, ate and drank, and then lay down again. --  Woke again, ate again and was  strengthened...


Lord, thank You for all the times You give me no other choice but to wait.  You never leave me.  I feel Your presence, even when You are silent.  I am sorry that I wrestle against Your Sovereignty, not understanding or appreciating Your ways.   I choose to trust Your character tonight; no worries, no plans, no thoughts of tomorrow.  I choose to rest... in You. 

Though I don't know how my story will turn out, I have seen the final chapters for the men of faith in scripture, and I know that You will always be near, good, and in control.

As long as I have breathe, there is more to my story, Your story for me.
So, I will wait with hope.

Oh, LORD, let me conclude as David, "But, I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation. I will sing to the LORD for he has been good to me."  Psalm  13:5-6

At the time of writing this post, I have received word of two suicides this week.  Dear One, if you are overwhelmed and discourage, if your situation feels hopeless and the Lord silent, hear me...
There is more of your story still to be written. 
My best advice would be to step outside, breath in deep, and pray.  Tell God how mad or disappointed or lonely or frustrated or overwhelmed you are.  (He can take your anger and doubt.)  Read 1 Kings 19.  (The story of when Elijah wanted to die.)  Take a shower, dress in your favorite comfy clothes, grab something yummy to eat or warm to drink, watch a positive movie like It's a Wonderful Life that will let you step out of your "world" for an hour or so, and then curl up and get some sleep. 
If things don't look brighter in the morning, call a friend you can confide in or the pastor of your local church.  If you can't think of anyone to talk to, you can always call 1-800-A-FAMILY. (Focus on the Family has counselors available from 8 am to 10 pm eastern time.)   If it is the middle of the night and you need to talk, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) is a free confidential phone call (24/7).